


GREEN EGGS AND GUNS

by Azulytoons, ofiuciocontuco



Category: Green Eggs and Ham (Cartoon), Green Eggs and Ham - Dr. Seuss
Genre: Dark Comedy, M/M, Mafia AU, alternative season 1, what if Guy would have presented his invention to the mafia instead of Snerz's businessmen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:39:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21913030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azulytoons/pseuds/Azulytoons, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofiuciocontuco/pseuds/ofiuciocontuco
Summary: It’s not like Guy tried to fulfill his old dream of being the world’s greatest scientist, he just wanted to pay the rent. He simply wanted to sell his inventions, and then they exploded in the face of the wrong people…Now, the strange red hatted man that he meet by chance at the cafe seems to be his only hope!
Relationships: Guy Am I/Sam I Am (Green Eggs and Ham)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 45





	GREEN EGGS AND GUNS

**Author's Note:**

> This whole idea came from a roleplay played with Azulytoons and it was pretty fun to write XD
> 
> Azulytoons is a great fan artist and if you don't know her art, I totally recommend you to watch it now! Search her tumblr and instagram by the same name.

The sky unfolded disgustingly perfect, there were no clouds and so there weren’t friendly shadows to hide in. The artificial outdated lights of the lampposts awkwardly illuminated the scene that could have been a peaceful night, but fate had other plans a bit more chaotic. For a brief moment, the urban city imitated a moving gelatin or a shockwave and it trembled its ground as if it was trying to stretch out. A huge ball of smoke rose to the sky and within the closest radius of the explosion, the buildings leaped one on top of another like happy lambs.

Shortly after the explosion and the tremor, the echo of hasty footsteps flooded the dark streets of Glurfsburg. The brown hat man wondered why did all the bad things happen to him? Perhaps it was a karma from his previous life, he could have been a pirate or a cat killer, after all the world loves those ungrateful hairballs. Perhaps god had a twisted sense of humor and had nothing better to do than fill his dull eternity with the endless entertainment of his misfortune….or perhaps it was his fault….Maybe it was him...but how could it be his fault? It’s not like Guy tried to fulfill his old dream of being the world’s greatest scientist, he just wanted to pay the rent. He simply wanted to sell his inventions, and then they exploded in the face of the wrong people…

Now, he was more than ruined, he was in total and absolute danger. Death could be hidden in every corner, embodied in long pistols held by thin, tailor-made black gloves.

_He needed to escape from this city…_

At the end of the street, a building rose miraculously above all others as if it were Christ Redeemer. He clung to the ticket office counter with the same strength as a shipwreck to a floating wood.

“Please I need a ticket to anywhere far away from here” he exclaimed while desperately depositing all the money he had in his pockets

The person behind the counter quickly and avidly dragged the money "Very well, the last bus to anywhere far from here is departing right now" said the salesman with a smile too cordial for the sadistic situation. The bus was already leaving in front of the poor scientist’s eyes. Before he could even claim, the seller hung a sign that said "no refunds", and closed the blinds.

The darkened Brown tried to run to the bus with all his strength, but it wasn’t as if a man whose greater physical activity consisted in taking a screwdriver had any chance against a motorized vehicle. He stared sadly how his only hope of salvation on four wheels fled away in the dark urban horizon. He would have continued in his helplessness attitude, but the noise of his persecutors biting at his heels were threatening enough to make him quickly look for a plan B: he sneaked into the first coffee shop he could find.

…………..

Sam wasn’t a man who liked to wait. He had a short attention span and his motto was that if the situation didn’t end with any disaster it wasn’t worth living it. Was it wrong if he prefered burns and blood to attractive women? Perhaps he was an adrenaline addict or a psychopath prone to cataclysm, but he loved danger because it was the only thing that made him feel alive.

He sighed bored in the dark alley, feeling his life slipping away at every second. Couldn’t Smoky choose a more obvious place? Why he didn’t hang a sign that screamed “YES, WE’RE DOING ILLEGAL BUSINESS HERE?”.

Something similar to a wheel almost like a blue noodle came up to his feet, it was the top hat worm presenting itself.

“You took too long!” growled Sam

“and it’ll be worth it. You have a new target” said while removing a very folded and wrinkled paper from his little hat and extended it to the hitman

“Wow, that’s a big amount of money! What did he do?”

“He tried to explode the big man of this city and run away”

“and he thinks he can survive after that?” laughed Sam “maaan, that’s the kind of thing that if you fail you kill yourself”

“Be thankful he didn’t, otherwise you wouldn’t have a job” replied very seriously his tiny blue companion

The suitcase that was on the floor shook violently to the rhythm of a drowned squawk

“What the hell you got in there?” wonder stunned the worm

“A part-time job”

“a what now?” he said as he climbed into the suitcase

“It’s not my fault that you almost don’t give me any jobs. You throw me into poverty like a dirty rag. Do you expect me to wait patiently to be eaten by fleas?” answered drily the red hat man

The worm rolled his eyes annoyed, he wasn’t willing to feel any pity for the hitman “What kind of work? because this looks quite the opposite of killing” he asked while trying to peek through the suitcase lock

“If I were you I’d get away from the suitcase, birds love worms” said as he took it in his hands and laid the worm on the ground

“birds?”  
“Don't stick your nose in other people's business Smoky, or someday you’ll end up on one of these posters” threatened Sam as he crouched

The worm was very offended at the comment that brings up his lack of nose “The big man wants it as soon as possible. And believe me that you will want to please him or you will be the one who appears one day in those posters” replied sharply, returning the bow.

The worm left as it came, in its rotating wheel pose.

Once alone, Sam felt a hungry stab in the mouth of his stomach. He was going to need a snack before starting his work. 

………………

Shortly after Guy ordered his dry oatmush, an annoying knox in a red hat entered the cafeteria and gasped with such surprise that it seemed like he was going to hyperventilate. He even made the annoying noise twice... it was really uncomfortable. Guy tried to avoid eye contact by burying his face between the newspaper folds.

"We're briefcase buddies" he exclaimed trying to do a conversation with the stranger while Guy tried not to answer him. 

Sam approached to the stranger and gestured throwing his suitcase next to the other to show how identical they were "That's like finding a matching snowflake."

"It's an unremarkable attache sold in most major stores" the brown hat man grumbled.

"And we both bought it!" Sam finished. He took the chair and pull himself closer to the stranger. "Plus, to end up sitting next to each other like this! Such a big coincidence!"

They both knew the diner was almost empty. 

Guy continued trying to hide his face in the gutter press, it was his comfortable hiding place from social awkwardness. But the damned yellow savage who seemed not understanding what personal space was, leaned his elbows on his paper sheets forcing him to make eye contact.

"I'm Sam. Sam I Am." said with a childish tune while holding out his hand

Guy groaned as he tried to get rid of the stranger’s grip by putting back the wall of newspaper.

"Grumph"? what a lovely name” Sam insisted on the conversation, but the other didn’t answer. That was okay. He didn’t need to. He was already his. He was such an easy target that he almost felt he was scamming the mob’s money. Better not to say that out loud. 

All that was left to do was eat his food and make sure that his target wouldn’t leave the cafe without him.

"Do you want the usual Samy?” asked her favorite waitress, Dona

“Yes, please. By the way, loved your fur today” He answered as charming as he could and took the opportunity to give a small hidden message to the woman. He winked twice and gestured slightly towards his partner. The woman took the hint and replied with another wink. And with that, the fate of the poor stranger was sealed to never get his food, as the same way that the fate of the waitress was destined to have a juicy tip at the end of the day.

“An order of green eggs and ham, extra green coming” hummed happily Donna, while made the order fly with chewing gum towards the kitchen

"Green?" asked the darkened brown with real disgust

"What? You don't like it?" said the little one as he studied the other with total indignation. That man tried to kill one of his best clients and then had the audacity of not liking green eggs and ham? He was gonna do the world a favor by erasing him from existence.

Unknowingly, the other gentleman sputtered. "No, I do not like them, Sam-I-Am, I do not like green eggs and ham."

Sam sighed trying to hide his deep resentment "Understood. Question asked and answered. No further queries necessary." he smiled fakely. However, he couldn’t contain the question "Have you ever tried them before?"

Guy gave an exasperated sigh. "No."

Sam smiled smugly "Well, how can you be so sure you won't like them if you've never actually eaten 'em?"

"Well, I've never eat shit, but I'm pretty certain I wouldn't like it either" 

Sam’s smile decayed fell into an angry gesture. _Did he just compare the world’s best dish with shit? how dare he? This strangerer didn’t knew the meaning of a good meal even if it was right in front of him, didn’t he knew that eating green eggs and ham felt like eating little bits of joy?._

The brown hatted man grabbed his newspaper again and finished his sentence "I'll just keep to my oatmush and spoon."

The Hitman’s stunned mind analyzed the order in their specific context: this subject knowing he was going to die ordered as his last meal a sad man special. For a brief moment he took pity on the condemned, after all, who could have such bad taste or be so depressed to say goodbye to life with a meal like that?

Sam received his food and began to eat it cheerfully when the door rang again.The two men turned to behold the new visitors, both of them knew they were in trouble. 

Sam noted his competitors: a group of men with an almost mechanical expression entered in the cafe. Their neat, formal clothes were out of tune with the aesthetics of the bar, and their dark glasses barely showed signs of life. They stood at the door for a moment, as if looking for something or someone. It wasn’t a huge number, only three people, but Sam knew there were at least two others waiting outside. Keep his target wouldn’t be such an easy task after all.

The newspaper pages began to tremble while the brown hat man tried to buried his face in them even more.

“Friends of yours?” asked playfully Sam while giving him a slight nudge

Guy looked at the table behind him, there was a tempting window wide open. He put the papers down and trying not to draw attention placed the money for his food on the counter.

“Thank you for the food” said with a thread of voice almost imperceptible as he rose and began to walk towards the exit.

Unfortunately, Guy was never a skilled person, when he took the first step, he stumbles on the briefcases and fall on the ground. Desperation ran all over his body as he stepped in and took his suitcase, he prayed that the men haven’t noticed it. When he glanced up he met the horrific sight of a gun touching his nose slightly. 

A quiet desperation spread among the coffee attendees like a deaf and hopeless cramp. Fear numbed all their bodies. Except for one shameless red hatted person, who kept eating his order of green eggs and ham like nothing was happening.

“wow, you really have interesting friends, uh?” said with his mouth full

“We don’t have much money here” exclaimed fearfully Dona while extending her arms 

“We don’t want money, we want revenge” answer one of the black suited man averting his gaze from the target to look at the lady

It was the moment of distraction that the other one needed, without loosing a second Guy opened his suitcase but instead of one of his explosive failed inventions, the poor scientist faced with one of the most savage and dangerous creatures. The chickeraffe sprouted violently and with his squeals made all people scream in terror. The panic as same as the creature were now unleashed.

“NO, NO, NO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?” exclaimed angrily Sam

Guy in normal circumstances would have apologized to him, not every day you mistakenly open a stranger’s suitcase and accidentally release his illegal pet, but it was very difficult to speak in the middle of a shooting.

The frightened thugs started shooting blindly. The instinct of survival made everyone sit back and seek refuge wherever, Guy tried to defend his body with his small suitcase that didn’t even cover a third of his enormous person. Sam didn’t tried to protect himself, he just ran after the bird that kept screaming and running everywhere.

One of the bullets hit the light bulb and the room succumbed to the darkness and complete terror. The few remaining clients and staff of the cafe threw themselves out the windows with such a passion and professionalism that would have left an average suicide in defeat.

Guy wanted to run but found himself stuck between the chairs of the bar, he knew he couldn’t take a false step because the risk of making a noise would betray his location. He prefer to continue hiding in the dark.

In the midst of the cloud of smoke, bullets and death was heard the cry of Sam “PLEASE COME BACK BUDDY! I WON’T HURT YOU” He was trying to catch the wild animal but without his case it was a hard task.

The sound of his words brought only more gunshots. The mobsters had a very simple order: killing. And they were willing to shoot anything that moves no matter what.

Unfortunately, that didn’t help to the poor nerves of the bird, who panicked and started running like crazy between the walls and the ceiling. From time to time, the bird attacked the black suited men with his claws, he did it so fast that they couldn’t even shoot him back.

There was a small moment of silence and Sam quickly realized that it was the second of calm given by reloading a gun.

It was then that he heard the unmistakable sound of the agitated and almost asthmatic breathing of a man about to die of fright. He approached to his target. Funnily, there were such a huge height difference, that only when the man was reduced to a crouching vultus they could be face to face.

“YOU” exclaimed by dipping his finger into the other’s fur chest “You need to solve this” said pointing down to the frenetic animal. 

The stranger trembled on the ground like a little boy, groped awkwardly in the dark until he found his right suitcase 

“All I got is this briefcase” whisper sadly the man as he opened it. The metallic gadgets shone in the dark making him remember his terrible failures.

“What are you waiting for? an invitation? do something or we’re dead!”  
“But I can’t do anything useful” replied sadly the scientist while in his creative desperation he united all the gloves and gears in a flaccid straight line.

“What are you talking about? you just did a cowboy lace” exclaimed excited Sam

“What you are talking about? this is a simple rearranging of pieces, I need to see how much material we have before creating something”

“I got it all under control. No worries” Sam said while making slight modifications to the hand-mechanical rope to create a loop.

His mind raced with some mental calculations such as the distance and speed of the animal, as well as the force with which he should pull his customized loop to make it land strategically on its neck. He remembered an old game of his childhood, when he wanted to catch a fly, he needed to point where the animal would be and not where it was. Of course, there were slight and almost imperceptible differences between a chickeraffe and a fly but the trick was the same if you wanted catch them.

The operation was successful. He turn to Guy smiling with confidence “see? I told you I had all under control-“ he barely finished his phrase, when he started being dragged by the chicaraffe around the cafe. Perhaps, he hadn’t fully calculated the strength of the animal.

Guy watched the scene stupidly. 

The little knox with red hat was being brutally dragged like a kite in a park, and to make the situation even worse the thugs had finished their reloading and returned to shoot madly. Then, the strange creature became a ball full of spikes and began to attack the mobsters with total ferocity. Weapons, blood and expensive gold watches flew through the air like cheerful ticker tapes.

“Bad boy, bad boy. Didn’t your mom ever tell you not to kill anybody?” scolded the little knox

The creature stopped on the spot but not because of Sam’s foolish words, it was because it had stared an object worth not destroying: around the necks of the thugs, there were ties.  
The violent movement seem as another attack and Guy observed how the serious men in black were able to scream in terror like a bunch of little girls. The bird’s claws came dangerously close to theirs jugular, in a single motion it cutted three ties from three different necks. The men fled in panic. 

But Guy could tell something even more interesting and weird, the bird was eating the ties like they were a bunch of noodles. That clicked an idea in Guy’s mind, the bird was now his ticket to escape. He took the burnt tie from his briefcase, put it in a mechanical arm as if it were a fishing rod with its bait, and then it showed to the dangerous creature.

“Hey do you like this buddy?” offered the brown hat man 

The creature squealed excited and runs towards Guy. He didn’t expect it to be that fast and with an almost unthought move he tried to get on the back of the Chicaraffe, but find himself hanging on it’s neck. Guy holds on with his legs and one arm, while trying to guide the wild chicaraffe into bursting through the window.

He hear from the floor someone screaming “pick me up, pick me up, my face is being ruined on the ground! help me or I’ll die!!” pleaded the voice

He stared at the red hat man that he was forgetting. Even if he didn’t really like the subject, it didn’t seem right that to let the poor man burn his face into the ground. He put the tiny man at his side. Sam looked at his bruised body but once he realized the wounds weren’t too deep, he sighed calmly. It was nothing he couldn’t handle.

“Thanks for the save FB” he said with a smile

“FB” the scientist asked instinctively 

“Yeah fleeing buddy! Also LOOK OUT FOR THAT WINDOW!” Sam yelped pointing to the window they were about to crash into.

They couldn’t do too much

They simply scream and hugged each other as if their embrace would stop the injuries or the danger. The glass collapsed before their weight and some bright splinters were nailed into their flesh with the same grace that small snowflakes fall on the tongue of the children. They would feel the pain later. Now they were just grateful to be alive while the bird keep running in the road.

Sam kept hugging Guy a little longer than it was needed but after realizing it he let go right away. He parted abruptly from the embrace and straighten himself out, pretending nothing had happened.

“You know I think that those guy’s back there aren’t your friends” he said trying to dissipate the uncomfortable atmosphere

“Really?” replied grumpily “what gave it away? was it the guns pointing at my head?”

“Nope it’s just that true friends always warmly greet each other with a hi” he said with his childish annoying smile.

“we would be lucky if they don’t warmly follow us!” exclaimed the other in an almost desperate tune 

After he finished that phrase, as if it were a terrible spell of bad luck, a strong light started to lick their shadows. They were being chased by dark cars that rose up like deadly cockroaches.

“oh, no” spoken Guy in a thread of voice

“Oh no?” Sam looks back and stared at the black vehicule chasing after them “OH NO!” he confirmed “Don’t you have any guns? Or something to throw at them??” Sam asked while trying to find a way to lose them somehow.

“I...I” said Guy while searched in his briefcase “I THINK, I HAVE SOMETHING” he pulled up what it looked like strange glasses with windscreen wipers. 

He throw the invention to the car and for once in his life he prayed the exactly opposite of what he prayed in every job interview “please, please explode”.

And then, for once, Guy’s terrible luck was turn into a good gun. The tiny invention made a little explosion that scare the poor driver and made him do a strange maneuver. The car hitted at a random house causing a terrible chaos. The wall collapsed and a poor man, who was in his bathtub in the second floor, fell into the car’s roof. The display was as absurd as it was shameful.

“I'm sorry” shout Guy without stopping the bird, as if the useless apologies served as something.

“Wow exploding goggles I’d like some of those for myself” Sam said trying to make a joke out of the situation.

“They weren’t made for that...they were supposed to be anti-fog glasses...they just didn’t work, like all my many other inventions” replied sadly Guy. The sense of failure expressed in his voice was so authentic and definitive that Sam immediately regretted his comment.

“Wait wait wait wait wait! What?! You’re an inventor! That is so cool! Can’t believe MY fleeing buddy is also a genius inventor” he said trying to be positive 

“Sure, whatever” gasped drily the scientist

Sam didn’t know how to react to the stanger’s pessimism so he decided to shut up.

For a moment both men remained in silent, they were observing the sleepy and kindness nocturnal landscape. Their journey made on the back of the wild bird could almost be categorized as a sightseeing tour, as long as no one notice the instability of riding an animal without reins or you ignored that the bird wobbled like a pendulum without coordination.  
About ten miles later, the chickeraffe began to stop its march, gasping tiredly.

Sam decided that the poor animal had already enough and put the chickeraffe in his suitcase without any inconvenience.

“I think we need a place for the night” he said to the man that he just meet some hours ago 

“I can’t book in a hotel or be in any place or else they will trace me...damn, I can’t even go to my own house, they must already be there!” desperately said the brown hatted man with his mind being a pure fuss 

“Lucky for you that I got the perfect place for both of us to have a sleepover at!” He said with a triumphant smile as he removed a small remote from his hat. At the touch of the button, a caravan appeared shining behind him.

Guy wouldn’t say it out loud, but he was impressed with the miraculous device.

“Wait..is this your house?” he asked in shock

“Yup”

“So, do you trust me after all what just happened? I mean, I could be a dangerous criminal and you’re just opening your house to me?” Guy was so worried about the irresponsible attitude of the man, that he kept talking without realising that he could lose all the help that he actually needed.

“You’re not dangerous I can feel it besides we are briefcase buddies” Sam said seeming to trust Guy even tho he barely know him. 

The scientist looked at him dumbfounded “One day your blind trust will lead you to a certain dead” replied the sinister voice of the scientist as he crossed with Sam the threshold of the door

Sam got inside right after him and closed the door slowly, using every lock he had. It was too late for Guy, the target had no longer salvation. The who were innocently contemplating the house when he felt on his back the metallic and unmistakable cold of a weapon.

He turned to watch how Sam was aiming at him

“you know…. you also trust people too much Grumph”

“My name is Guy” said instinctively the brown hat man while he raised his hands

After some dead quiet tense seconds, Sam burst into a clean, heartfelt laugh “I don’t care if you are wanted, I like you! You’re fun!” He reached out his hand to Guy to give him a high five.

“Thanks?” said the man as he stood still with his arms up

Then, Sam realized that the other one didn’t shake his hand because he was still pointing the gun at him “Oh right, I’m sorry” exclaimed while he took the gun and put it in his hat “So where you plan on running away to? You must have decided a place by now”

“I was thinking to go to a big city as meepville, a place crowded where I can hide and start a new life….wait a minute...what do you mean by wanted man?” asked the brown hat man suddenly remembering the strange words of his dangerous companion

“Oh, you really aren’t familiar with the mafia game, are you?” he said sort of disappointed but with a never fading smile. Sam took the wanted poster out of his red hat and showed it to guy “see for yourself “

Guy stared at the poster, it had his face and a neat calligraphy that said “Kill if you see him”, then it was the ridiculously huge amount of money offered. 

“Wait they even had time to print posters?? I met that people today! All this damn incident happened some hours ago….it just….doesn’t make sense….am I dreaming?”

“It was enough time for them to spread it around the city for booty hunters” explained the hitman while he put the poster again in his hat.

Guy was paralyzed in fear. The whole city? that mean more people searching him and trying to kill him. No safe place to hide...He started to hyperventilate while he hugged his knees. His teeth trembled like castanets.

Even a blind man would know that the man was having a panic attack.

“Guy” said softly Sam trying to calm him down“I know all this may seem complicated and dangerous now … but I’m sure at some point in the future we’ll laugh about all this ”

“I won’t be alive in the future!” Guy shouted in frustration 

“Then I will help you out of this situation, I can protect you” exclaimed the little knox eagerly, he would promise everything in order to silence the cries and fears of his companion.

“ You do?” asked Guy with tears rolling down his face.

His eyes shone with a beautiful vulnerability that made Sam’s heart warm just by looking at them.

The beauty of the moment couldn’t last, the suspicions of treason contaminated Guy’s mind almost immediately “why would you do such a thing?...what do you want in exchange?”

“Nothing really but…. you’ll owe me a favor”  
“yes, of course! I would owe you everything, I mean, you’re saving my life!” said without realizing just how much value those words have….

“Then it’s a deal! I’ll take you to meepvile! I know someone there that can make you stay safe forever. We’ll be leaving at the sunrise!”

And with that statement, the men shook their hands and sealed not only a crazy agreement but also the beginning of a peculiar friendship. The latent potential of disasters, explosions, laughter and crying was presented in the very flesh of their fur touching.

Faced with the vertigo of this new adventure, Sam felt for the first time less lonely. And even though Guy didn’t know it, he gave him his most honest smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, congrats to read so far. Question game: I suppose you all come from other fandoms, what other mafia AU's you had read before this one? For example, I come from undertale fandom (is basically the greatest fandoms of AU's XD) and I read "sooner or later you're gonna to be mine"... I know this seems silly but I'm curious of how much explored is the mafia AU's in the fandoms....


End file.
